18. fall musings
a collection of thoughts on humanity, optimization, and existing, mixed in with the songs I currently have on rotation with tracks from Blood Orange, Turnstile, The Poles, Hayley Williams, and more
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This post presents a collection of thoughts I have swirling in my mind, paired with the top songs I have had on rotation (new and old) in September. I could make a playlist, but I don’t even listen to these in a playlist. In their most natural form, they exist on my many streaming platforms and in my mind as various pieces and fragments of this time in my life. Some new, many old — each song is what I have been revisiting and keeping in my mind for the last few weeks.
I also have had a myriad of thoughts circling in my mind, unsure of how to piece them all together. I hope, in some sense, this meets you where you are and you can find some way to relate.
When I started this newsletter, I wanted to emphasize the concept of slowing down. Not only to readers, in the act of slowing down and being active music listeners and consumers, but also to myself. It felt like the world was moving too fast around me, in a way where I could not get a solid base or grasp on what it was I wanted to take away from the things I was consuming. In some sense, forcing myself to sit down and think about albums and songs has helped. But in other ways, it still lends to the cycle of trying to promote and discover things that will resonate with readers and grow my audience. In today’s world, viewership, attention spans, and numbers are really what propels you forward at the end of the day.
My hobbies in the last year have shifted around as well. I picked up knitting to pursue a long time goal of trying to make my own clothes in shapes, sizes, materials, and colors that suited me rather than forcing myself into the latest mass produced sweater that will unravel in 5 years. I also started learning to play the guitar. A lifelong goal of mine since I was a teen, I finally have the money and commitment to invest into lessons. I approached this in a multifaceted way - to treat my inner child and love of music, to find a way to literally not be scrolling all night on social media, and to also help my growing impatience with myself.
For those who may not know, the guitar is a beast of an instrument. I played the flute and saxophone in my younger school days, and both were relatively easy to improve on within a few months. However, the guitar is truly one of the hardest things I have tried to learn. My own teacher told me most students quit learning within 7-10 months of starting due to the complex nature of the fretboard, and the innate slowness it takes to master playing the strings. But I am persisting. As much as it frustrates me, even pains me week to week, there is nothing like the feeling of finally being able to play out chords and melodies that I have been working towards.
And yet, in this process, I am nothing but my own worst enemy. I have the basic practice methods down, drills to help build up finger strength and speed, and the guidance of a teacher I am paying for private lessons. Despite all of that, I get caught up in searching out the “best” ways to improve faster. I compare myself to countless people on the internet, hoping that I too can reach where they are by a certain month. I succumb to the algorithm cycle, eventually getting caught up in my own head and thoughts on what I *think* I should do based on what others are “telling” me, rather than leaning into the tried and true methods.
Ultimately, I pull myself back and remember it’s not the speed at which I am improving, nor is it the comparison and bragging. But it’s the patience and hard work that will ultimately make me and take me where I want to be. It’s settling into my own knowledge and mind, and knowing that I inherently know what needs to be done, rather than relying on something or someone else to make me better. Leaning into the drift, finding yourself caught in the embrace of the journey. That is the ultimate satisfaction within us.
I’m in the midst of a move, while trying to balance a career change/job search and finding time to live life to the fullest to seek out any semblance of hope, joy, and happiness as our surroundings become more bleak and desolate. Normally this time of year there’s a sense of optimism in the way the leaves change color and fall, signaling a time to shed whatever doesn’t serve us anymore. Or in the way the crispness takes over the air, signaling a shift into fall and winter, seasons where I always enjoy taking some time to slow down from the high energy bounce of summer. Yet this year, the weather keeps flip flopping, making it hard to know what comes next.
As I prepare my apartment to move, I am reminded of collections. The many collections I possess, physically and mentally. Books, vinyl records, trinkets, candles, kitchen tools — the list goes on and on. Some may call it hoarding, collecting too many things in a time of over consumption and capitalism (which, yes, to some extent it can be). But as everything becomes digitized around us, there is something that connects us through the touch of an item. The weight of it in my hands, holding it and feeling it. Utilizing the mind-touch connection to really know that I enjoy this, or reject it. There is a subconscious joy in taking in everything I have collected, and remembering where I got it or what memory it is attached to, like the physical manifestation of diaries and thoughts. Whether it’s sad or glum, joyous or effervescent, there is always a full range of thoughts and words that come up.
Every time I open LinkedIn looking for job postings, I am inundated with the most inane social networking posts, mostly discussing the latest AI tools to optimize workflows in daily lives. And yet, there are countless articles about the same AI tools creating standstills in the job market where everyone is using AI to format their submissions, which then never get past the AI tools used to screen submissions, which then do not assist the HR managers in actually being able to consider people.
I find myself borderline repulsed from the onslaught of this form of AI slop and pandering. Pervasive, continuous, irritating — all within the formula generally used to shill products and opinions catered to making you question whether your life is actually optimized to the fullest. Repulsed to the point of exhaustion, I have to immediately close out, missing any potential job leads or people I could connect with to expand my network further. All leading to my ultimate question of why? Why is this where we have decided to exist? In what way does it serve any of us to constantly be pursuing and consuming, looking for the next best thing, rather than standing back and appreciating where we are and what we have?
Songs Above in List form:
Thinking Clean — Blood Orange
Mere Rashke Qamar — Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan
I’ll Be Seeing You — Julien Lage
Heaven - Nami
Echo! (talk to me baby) — The Poles
Look Out for Me — Turnstile
Parachute — Hayley Williams
Others:
Folded — Kehlani
Song of the Stars — Tomorrow x Together
exo — crushed
Circulate — The Starting Line
Tere Bina — A. R. Rahman
I’d love to hear back from readers about their timelines and thoughts these days. Feel free to leave a comment.
Thanks for tuning in.